Take It All

Take, Lord,

And receive all my liberty,

my memory,

my understanding,

and my entire will,

all I have and call my own.

You have given it to me,

to you, Lord, I return it.

Everything is Yours;

do with it what You will.

Give me only your love

and your grace.

That is enough for me.

                   -St. Ignatius of Loyola, The Spiritual Exercises no. 234

December 3^rd was the feast of St. Francis Xavier, one of the original Jesuits and best friend of St. Ignatius, who is our good friend, since he gave us the Spiritual Exercises, the most important of which is the Examen prayer, which is part of our Nightly Review each day. Ignatius’ followers complained that he had given them too many exercises, too many prayers for each day, and he told them if they only did one, it should be the Examen. We have found this simple “high/low” at the end of the day to be one of the most transformative prayers there is, and it’s so easy to do! Before we retire at night, we ask ourselves, “Where was I at my best today? Where did I give and receive the most love? What moments am I most grateful for?” and, “Where was I not at my best today? What could I have done better? Where did I give and receive the least love?”  Over time, this examination helps us to discern God’s will for us. This prayer ultimately led me to decide to quit my job after 30 years and try something new, because over the last couple of years at my old job, the “lows” of the day, increasingly, were things that happened at school, and the best parts of the day were things that happened when I was working with others outside of school, with Contemplative Outreach or with people in 12-Step programs. Little by little, I realized I was no longer my best self at the school that sits atop the ruins of the original Northwest School. That last year, I was, in fact, more like my worst self.

I came up with that “built on the ruins” metaphor while visiting Rome, and it feels just right to me. Most of the churches in Rome are built on the sites of older churches, or pagan temples. In fact, many of them have gone through at least two or three different phases. New religions, earthquakes, fires, invasions and lootings all contribute to new churches being built on top of old ones. This seems like a perfect metaphor for the place I worked for 30 years. The school that exists there today has been built on the ruins of the old one. Some things have been retained and cannibalized (for instance, we saw a piece of a pillar from Augustus’ bedroom holding up the roof of Santa Maria in Aracoeli, and we can still see remnants of an integrated humanities program holding up the curriculum) and others completely buried underground (like the Pata Pata or the Mithraeum underneath Santa Prisca). Invasions, new religions, and remodeling have all contributed to this new structure, and while we can sometimes see the remnants when we tour the crypt, nobody even pretends that it’s the same place any more.

So back to my story about St. Francis Xavier.

St. Francis Xavier

I’ve been doing a lot of letting go on this trip, particularly in Rome, and I have found the depths of winter in the Vatican to be particularly helpful for doing this – going to confession at St. Peter’s, getting a Papal blessing during the Angelus on the first Sunday of Advent, crawling up the Scala Sancta on my knees and praying the Rosary in the chapel at the top – all these rituals have helped me in the transition from the first half of my life to the second, from my old vocation to my new one. Since Seattle University is a Jesuit School, I thought it would be a good idea to go to the Gesu church and dedicate myself to my new path there.

There are (at least) two big Baroque Jesuit churches in Rome – the church of St. Ignatius, which was built to celebrate the canonization of the founder of the Jesuits, and the Gesu, which is the world headquarters, so to speak, of the order. It is here that St. Ignatius’ body is preserved under the most fabulous Baroque altar with a crazy machine that lowers a fancy painting of the saint in mystic ecstasy to reveal an even more fancy statue of the saint in mystic ecstasy, all underneath an incredibly fancy ceiling with a painting of – you guessed it – the saint in mystic ecstasy.  https://www.nytimes.com/2008/06/14/arts/design/14chur.htmlUnfortunately, the crazy machine is currently Out of Order, but I found this EWTN video of how it works so we could all enjoy the sight.

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRzDgktt-R0

Also in the Gesu church, the right arm of St. Francis Xavier is preserved in a reliquary. The rest of his body is still in Goa, but they brought his arm back to Rome as a reminder of how many people he baptized with it. It is said that St. Francis Xavier brought more people to the faith than anyone except St. Paul. You might say that he was St Ignatius’ “right hand man.” (That joke was for my Dad)

St Francis Xavier's Arm

I knelt before the scaffolding and white tarp that was covering up the tomb of St. Ignatius, and prayed the Jesuit version of the Third Step Prayer, also expressed in the Third Day song, “Take It All.” I was done trying to run the show, play God, arrange things to suit myself. Once again, I was starting over and handing everything to my Higher Power.

During the Mass, I kept glancing over at the arm of St. Francis Xavier, which is right across from the body of St. Ignatius. Afterwards, I went to thank the priest, who had already taken off his vestments (they featured a giant picture of St. Francis Xavier so I’m not surprised he wanted to get out of that) and was not even wearing a priest outfit. We have this priest counting game in Rome (that morning we had already seen 22 priests on the street) and the way he looked, I would not have even counted him!

Anyway, I went to say hi and told him I was American, and he was really jazzed and told me his name was Vasille and he was from Romania, and had been to Boston, where everyone was so kind to him. I told him how I was going to Seattle U and how it was a Jesuit school and he said, “Have you seen the rooms of St Ignatius yet?” and I said “Not yet, because they don’t open until four,” (it was just one) and he said, “Well, how about let’s go on a private tour?” and then he took us up to the rooms where St. Ignatius lived while he was in Rome and told us the whole story of the wounded warrior who became a warrior for Christ. We got to see the desk where he wrote the Spiritual Exercises, and also his death mask

Me and Father Vasilley with St Ignatius

and his shoes (which people had already cut a bunch of leather off so they could make relics) and of course the basketball court in the middle of the cloister, because as we know, you can’t be a Jesuit and not play basketball. Then Father Vasille blessed my rosary with the cheesy picture of Pope Francis (which I had bought for one euro from some guy in St. Peter’s Square) and we said our goodbyes and it was a really perfect visit and a great way to celebrate the feast of St. Francis Xavier, and start the journey during this Advent season out of darkness into the light.